ENTRY SIX

January 19, 2016

I wrote this a long time ago as you can read above. I forgot what its all about but I was definitely was going through something. I edited it. Haha

Here it goes....

                   Emotions, emotions, emotions. They re unimaginable and unmanageable part of a human brain. Curse this brain. Curse this heart. Sadness, Happiness, Loneliness, Jealousy, Envy, Madness, Anger, Anxiety, Fears, Alienation. And I sure know how to get lost through these whirlwind, what can I say its just too easy. We can call it a hurricane, tsunami or even an earthquake cause its so catastrophic and dangerous. Afterwards it just leaves me more in a terrible condition. I know how to get engrossed in them until I suffocate choking on my own self made pity. Intoxicating on my own promises of I'll do better, I'll pick myself up again, I'll learn. Lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. I never felt as if I really did became a better version of myself. I do feel that its better than nothing, I guess or so I tell myself. I mean, self-discovery is a long journey and it doesn't even have an ending. So maybe, just maybe, these monsters inside of me might take a longer time. But nonetheless, I do feel hope. I feel like I am under construction. You know, you're still in the process stage, building and building. But its drowning me, I can tell you that with certainty. Its killing me, tearing me bit by bit, then on my own weak power yet again I foolishly built it up again. But when you are pass out on the floor you realize something, that emotion are good. Emotions are something purely out of a human being, means I am human, real and alive. Maybe there i something extra ordinarily beautiful with a human who is honest to herself. There is beauty in a human that knows these emotions are humanly emotions and are just part of us. It doesn't make us vulnerable but stronger. We don't just feel.  We feel because we are humans. I can connect with others, understand them, empathize with them and share with them. I feel because I am alive. A little rainbow beneath all this emotions thats killing me. I like emotions they make me feel real. 

xoxo, 

J.A.A.